THIS IS FUCKED

Nothing much had changed. I am still failing. And everything around me is wrap in failure after failure. WTF ?!?!?? What the point of fighting against everything. I am seriously tired.

Throwing in the towel

sigh. sometimes i feel like throwing in the towel. I really do. I keep trying. But i keep failing. And i am frustrated. I just don't get it. How did i screw up something that was working so easily, without even knowing why ? Here i was thinking that it was going good between me and her, but now all the sudden shes flirting with another guy. Really? Curse of the first date ? How do i get from seriously attracted to me; to no attraction what-so-ever ? How did i fail here? First date was fantastic. We had a good time. Did she just decided suddenly that she like my more charismatic friend more and gave me the snuff ? I am angry. Not just so at her, but at myself. Am i really that shit ?

Da da da

I am flustered. I so want to sleep. But i can't. And it's not because i have thing to do, but it's because i just can't sleep. Last week was a eventful week. Wednesday i was Ecobar, Thursday was at SevenAtNine and Friday Salsa at Paradize. By Saturday i was inches from being dead. Especially since collectively for those few days i only had 8 hours of sleep. Maybe less. Met a lot of people during those night out. A few girl at Ecobar, the DJ from France in Ecobar which happens to be playing at SevenAtNine also. Then in SevenAtNine, highlight of the day was me hitting a Drunk Mongolian Prostitute. Which was rather hilarious and wild at the same time. But it was getting irritating after a while. My friend insisted that i get her over to our table. So i did.

I told him. "She a prostitute you know"

and he replied, "for the fuck of it.."...well he don't say fuck. He much more gentlemanly than i am.

So i did. I chatted her up and drag her over. But i couldn't understand her english. All i hear was..fuck fuck fuck something something..and more fuck. She was drunk and piss.

At first she seems maybe she could be not a prostitute, but her choice of clothes told me otherwise.

After talking to her a bit, she started disturbing my DJ friend. Which was starting to get out of hand when she disturb him at his table with his friend. My friend ran over to me and ask me..please get her away from me and my friends. So i did..drag her away. Eventually i was a bit tired of her craziness, and just sent her off to her room. Which was at Ascott. I have a feeling she suppose to meet some guy there.

Then on Friday i met an old dance friend in Paradize. She was really good at Salsa, that i almost cried. Haha since i started so much earlier than her. Sigh.

Saturday was more to chill. I couldn't take another day out. My body was just lethargic. Watch this stand-up performance by Douglas Lim and two other comedian. Overall the show was entertaining and definitely worth it. By Evening, settle for coffee bean and a good night sleep. Now that its Sunday. I am resting.

Opps got to go.

Believing on yourself

We shouldn't think too much about what people think or want. We should not need to be apologetically or afraid about doing thing that makes us happy. Nobody lives for you, why should you ? Just have fun. If someone react differently or badly to you; you don't need them around, nor their approval, nor their attention. Just center upon yourself, of who you are, who you want to be, where you want to be and what you want.

Once you understand that. The world become clearer to you. Everything that moves so quickly before, starts to slow down. And in a brief instance of a second, when you breach the water and gulp down air... you feel serenity. You feel alive. And you will not drown anymore. In that very instance of self-awareness, all the weight, all the pains, all the loneliness, all your suffering, all your belief that holds you back, fall off and sink into the deepness of the ocean.

All you need to do now. Is believe in yourself.

Reflecting the months before

Well the flaky flaky girl left me a message last Saturday. And that really screw with my head. Now i am confused. Does she like me ? If not? Why is she messaging me? Am i being unwittingly lull and herded to some slaughtering house to be maimed and butchered. Or she does like me? And in some way she messaging me to let me know? Nah... i am definitely getting butchered.

Anyway beside that, I started realize being 30 plus, single and underachieving makes you react to life in a very hyper mode. I know that already but i really have no idea how much it actually fucks my brain up. It's like everything you know, learned or experience get thrown in an instant and you embrace your animal instinct. Go forth and procreate!

I am slamming the brake on this. What happen to improving myself? Learning more about myself? Being better? Being daring. Coming out of my comfort zone. What happened in this last few month that made me so? The realization that i am all alone, and i want someone there for me. Even if she is not right for me.

Flakking is just so fun

Kinda expected it, she flaked at the last minute again. I guess you can flake once, twice, but the third time is the last. Well no lost. Just move on, it happens. For me, its a big turn off. Flaking tells you enough to not bother about a girl like that. I improvise and met another girl i was suppose to meet. She a sweet and nice girl. But i was quite a bit surprise to find out that she wealthy. I guess i still can be quite surprise. She not my type. Would i meet her again. Perhaps. As a friend. I met another girl, last Wednesday while playing pool. She quite tall, and quite sexy. We are set to meet up tomorrow. Let see if we actually do. My new motto. Don't assume. Just met every girl i get to know even if i am not that interested. Maybe i will find magic.

Finding Magic

I miss the feeling of awe. I miss the feeling of wonder. I miss the feeling of joy. I miss it all. I miss magic. Magic has vanished. Magic has vanished from this world. Vanished from my world. I can't find magic anymore. I wish i could. But no matter how many stones i flip over, how many world i shattered open, how many life i changed, how many smile i created. Those magic never comes again. Do you miss magic? Do you want magic ? Do love magic ?

Memories of a child

I am now at Starbuck, pretending to chill and work at the same time. Maybe if i stop pretending i be earning some money by now.

Well i just bought the tickets to a comedic theatrics performance "Infernal Affair" which star Douglas Lim and a few other actors. This would be interesting. Wanted to watch the Tuesday night show, but all the ticket have already been sold out. So we would be watching the Saturday show.

I tried waking up today, but it was so difficult. Even when i did, which was really an early seven morning, my body were so tired and exhausted that it just refuse to get up. I struggle and after struggling with myself for almost half an hour, i manage to pry myself off the bed. I really could not sleep anymore, but my body was truly drained. I don't really understand why i was drain. After all, the trip to was a very slow and lazy trip. By afternoon my body dragged me back to bed and refuse to wake up. Even now i feel tired.

The whole trip back to KK was a brimming with nostalgia. A lot of crazy, interesting and happy time was pass here. Being here was almost like coming back home after a long time. The last time i was here, it were four year ago. The whole gang caught up and we went up to Laban Rata in Kota Kinabalu. We chilled, bbq and laugh through the night under the beautiful night star and sky above us. That were one of the more memorable time i had. This place is filled with memories. Seeing the old places, meeting old friend, laughing and just chilling around was perfect. It were so care free. How time moved forward. How friend changed. How life move on. We are no more a child. And all we can grasp, is a few memories of the good old time. Memories. One day we will grow older and all that is left is memories.

Thinking of all of these again, i could feel my heart sinking. All the silly old self being replace with the need to grow up. We have to grow up. We have to improve. We have to kill the little boys and girls in our heart when we grow up. And it hurts when you kill each one of them. And when they all dies, things stop being fun again. Fun has changed. Love has changed. Friend has changed. And everything that is sincere become more of a fleeting memories replace with shrew calculated move and motif. Adult huh. :)

Funny how this reminded me of my previous girlfriend. My friend asked what i love of her and i said i love her sincere, and honest heart. He sincere smile. Now it reminded me of how beautiful her face blush, and how she cried when i gave her a beautiful gift. She dark. I never seen a dark-skin girl blush like that before. It felt beautiful. She was a multiple. And through the year with her, i experienced hell and heaven at the same time. The cry, the pain, the sleepless night was painful but i bear all those patiently. One of the part that hurt me most was saying goodbye to her multiples. It hurt so much every time whenever i have to say goodbye to one of her most adorable multiples. She were like a child i never had and love so much. Saying goodbye was difficult, and holding back my tears, I know it was important for her to let go of them so that she can face her demon on her own. But i really miss them. I guess this is how you would feel when you are a parent with your child leaving you.

Home!

Gosh. I am so tired! Got home yesterday from the airport, good thing my friend was so nice to take me home from the airport. Was already tired when i left KK, and it didn't help that you have to go through the whole waiting, sitting and more waiting that usually accompany air travel. Sigh... waiting in the airport. Waiting for the plane to taxi to the runway. Waiting for lift up. Waiting in the plane. Waiting hours in the plane. Waiting for the plane to land. Waiting for the plane to taxi back. Waiting to disembark. Long walk out. Waiting for friend. Waiting in the car.


Ah well.

I want to be famous

I thought of it. I want to be famous. I have shy away from being famous all the time. I thought of it. I want it now. I want to be famous.

Where are we at ?

I met a new girl yesterday for lunch. Everything went relatively well. We talk some, we laughed some, we banter a bit. Overall i found her rather curious. But i couldn't catch the idea of rushing. Her idea was that she is a very busy women that is rushing all the time and she doing an important job. It felt off. It felt she was trying one-up-man/women-ship-ing-me. Which i won't be too bothered. Even if that who she is, it felt i won't like her in the end. But i am a curious bunny. Shall see if i would go out again with her.

Something just not right with me?

There i was partying in Opera; having a fantastic night out. The place was pack, and energy was powerful. The sound busting through my heart, and my friends and new found friends laughed as they go absolutely crazy. It was all hilarious. My... i was laughing, grinning and smiling from cheek to cheek. The world whirling in madness, and the women intoxicating. Bottles and bottles of whiskeys was opened and devoured.

Alas as quickly as we lost our mind, the party wear thin and the liquor in the bottles disappeared. I stood there leaning on the edge, perch on the top in the VIP block, overlooking the club below. I look around, glancing from left to right. Then a strange mellow filling fills my body. The smile in my heart fades. And then an almost dark immense cloud engulf my heart. Numbing it, draining it, leaving an overwhelming feeling of emptiness. The only thing that stopped me from breaking down was the alcohol in my blood, numbing the void in my heart. Every smile on my face then was fake.

I got home. And the feeling grew, but the effect of the alcohol did not wane. I took a gulp of water, pills and supplement and crash into bed. I awoke a mere 4 hours later unable to rest any further. My head was spinning slightly but there were no pain. I felt like puking. But won't allowed it. I walk down the flight of stairs and watch a few shows on the tv. I couldn't shake that feeling still. I was irritated but I ignoring it. I went for breakfast, than watch Inception with a friend. We talk a lot on the story and she swoon over her new found idol, Joseph Gordon-Levit. The movie was great.

We were suppose to go Jazz later tonight. But the reason we weren't was ridiculously hilarious and almost too sad. One of my friend decide to wear shorts to go to the club. How could he i wondered ? I wasn't happy, but we just improvise. Changkat it was then. No Jazz. We drank, sat in the bar call Social, talking. My friend who was just re-hired into his old agency quickly got from depressed self just a week ago, to a happy show-off again. Money does strange thing to him. He was getting back his annoying habit again. He is a good friend, but that doesn't mean a good friend is not annoying. I let him annoy me. I was still feeling the emptiness i felt yesterday and this morning. Whatever he said just wasn't as bad as this feeling. I was dead quiet. Whatever smiles and laughter and banters were all insincere. As the night creep closer to midnight, everyone was bored. They looked bored. The girls were bored. No point staying. I suggested we left. So we left. We walk pass the crowds and people, walking by each bar. I looked around and i knew more so that i have played a terrible hands in life. We all left home after a short meal. I was drained and crashed again. I woke up feeling the void in my heart many times greater. I am being dealt a very bad card in life. A commoner card.Throughout my life i have done everything i could to fight fate. I sacrifice my life, my soul, my sweat and people. But I am losing. Every breakthrough always end with disappointment. And it's only a matter of time before i finally concede and surrendered. You can't win faith? I wondered. No you can. But i don't know how to.

The MTV WorldStage & Katy Perry's Peacock

Wow, just woke up from a morning after MTV WorldStage and had a blast! But i am soOOOoo tired. But i had a blast! But i am tired... Urooggghh...I can't decide. It felt like both. I feel like a teenager all over again! Waiting in the rain, drench wet! while the VJ was yada-yada-ing away until we couldn't take it anymore, and booed them off the stage. I know that was bad. Anyway we had to queue in the rain before gaining entrance. By the time we reach the stage we have missed BunkFace, which was a waste! I am so sure that would have rocked!

The Wonder Gals was performing next; They were hot, appearing on stage in a cliche cage which they broke out like androgenic incredible hulk - THE CROWD GOES WILD! But if you ask me, i thought their performance was a bit weak. The only song i enjoy was ...."Nobody Nobody but You...Clap Clap" everything else was kinda of a yawner.

Then we waited and waited and waited...in the rain. Grumble Grumble.

And then! OMG! It's Tokio Hotel! ...Who ? Ok i admit i don't know who they are and was being feed false info by my friend that they suck. I was expecting them to suck, but at the same time i am skeptical that they really would. But when they perform, they were awesome! The Performance were Fantastic ! The was delirious. No sooner i was jumping like i am sixteen all over again. Tom is so fantastic, super gay but super fun! He sang Automatic, Wall and a few other song which was easy to sing along, that no sooner i heard it once i was singing along!

Then we waited and waited and waited some more in the rain.... Utt made a few candid appearance trying to calm us down. He got booed off the stage again. Come on guys! i don't condone such booing. Those VJ are having it tough! They have to fend you guys off from the technical problem and a badly organize event ( Event Organizer fault! ). It's not their fault. Shame on you guys!

I booed him anyway. It was the fun thing. ;)

Then Katy Perry Burst into a grand appearance and she was hot! She has such a commanding voice, i do anything for her! " Roll? Ok.". The song i love best was the second last song, a rather naughty song about a bird. PeaCOCK. And that just tickles everyone crazy. Her eye was raising when she introduce the song while saying pea-"COCK". I wonder how the censor board going to do their job? Will they even notice what the song is all about ? How would they have censored it ?

"Why don't you show me your..Pea-Bleep..Pea-Bleep..Pea-Bleep" Ahhh...

Finally she sang Hot N Cold. I mustered my last energy to go mad. The crowds went crazy, In the midst of all the mayhem, the MTV crew release this huge black and white ball that was bigger than a bus. It crush all the fan underneath. It was horrifying. As the ball was crushing everyone, Katy Perry jump off the stage into the crowds and the crowd went crazier! Everyone was bathing in blood like a crazy ritual. She got back on stage before the ball could crush her than at finale! The firework burst into the air - Cliche? Yes. The crowd goes wild ? Yes. Work every time! No matter if it's cliche or not, I have gone wild for less exciting thing.

All in all. I was hungry tired. Excited. Hungry. Tired and Angry and Confused and Hungry and Tired and Mad.

1/10! for MTV
9/10 for the performer!

Booo MTV!

Zombie Mode

Well i am still uncomfortable doing uncomfortable thing. Yes i know, uncomfortable thing are-are suppose to be uncomfortable. But that not what i meant. What i meant was, we need to step beyond our personal boundaries. We need to step outside our circle of comfort and do thing we normally don't. Say thing we normally won't. We have to think beyond our assumptions. We have to challenge the nature that we have built ourselves into. We have to destroy this nature or intensify it.

Well I wish i could leash my neck and drag me through my fear, insecurity, discomfort & comfort. If only there was a "zombie-mode" button in my head somewhere. Anytime i need to do something i am uncomfortable of, i just flip the switch.

Ah Hah I am now a Zombie! Ah Hah!.. i am human again!

Well with zombie mode i won't need to think, i just do it (nike(tm)). I be numb from all pain, feeling and thought. Just think of it, it's perfect! I be doing amazing thing. Perhaps the only downside i can think of from being a zombie is my not so sexy zombie grunt.

uUUUUuuuaHHHhhh.....

My mind.

My mind work in a funny way. One minute its whining, whining like a child, but the next, it goes Rambo on me. Sometimes it bends easily like a ballerina, other time it just refuses to budge. One minute it's think. One minute it's not. One minute it's there, one minute... like magic it goes sailing in a deep blue sea, ignorant of my demand. I am not complaining. But i just think he should be a bit more responsible.

Pleasant Morning

Woke up this morning to a cute kitten lying on a bed of old newspaper today. Had an amazing...awwww feeling just looking at her yawn.

Flame them all

Well, i got my server setup. So it's good to go but i added a good deal layers of condom on it to make sure nothing like this happens again. Though, i doubt that will help. Pessimism! Its me its me. Well but i am glad that i feel a "tiny-wee" more optimistic suddenly. Like all my sorrow decided to drown themselves and leave me alone for awhile. Awhile. Till it decides to come back to remind me who the master is. Yes sir! Well back to work.

The Majestic Problem

Server is dead... Now i have to spent more money to fix it up. Depressing. This will set me back by 2 week, at least. So here i am chugging along. Well guess its a clean slate and a better installation this time.

Ah great. Life is really perfect. One problem after another, now my server is dying. And just right after i fix one problem, a new problem crops up. This is ridiculous already.... sigh

Let break people Plan

I find it unreasonable that someone find it reasonable to break a plan with you without much regards to you. What make it even more unreasonable is if you break a plan without doing the most courteous thing, letting someone else know it. It show absolutely disregard or disrespect to someone else time. Well women please don't call me again. I am ignoring you for good.

So tell me guys, what do you think?

Bla Bla

Wow wow wow! A blog! Perfect to fill my lonely Friday. I have a talent at this. Doing nothing at Friday is something i am good at. I might just start one of those "Do Nothing on Friday & Excel - the 2 Step guide to a better you or me". Maybe then i can have the seminar on a Friday. Keep me occupied :D

Ah yes. You don't need to guess i am at my low point. I am sorely depressed. And i started this blog one fine Friday night. And if you further analysis, you probably would have guess that i am alone now. At home on a Friday night. And yes you guess it right, i am twiddling my thumbs and letting my finger glide by my keyboard, ( ooooooh..... i am so caressing it) while hitting out words and words of my not so fun Friday. So is there a reason to stay here and read my silly rant? Would there be a point ? How much fun can you get reading someone shitting and ranting about his poor-poor life.

Need you question me? It a lot of fun i would say.

So stick. Chill. Let me start ranting a bit now and maybe later i will reward you with something more. Maybe in due time i might humour you with me and my amazing quirk, dry humour, childish nervousness and my banged-up-ill-gotten-logic of life.

So yes. Stay. Enjoy my blog and smile always. Or well. Smile.