THIS IS FUCKED

Nothing much had changed. I am still failing. And everything around me is wrap in failure after failure. WTF ?!?!?? What the point of fighting against everything. I am seriously tired.

Throwing in the towel

sigh. sometimes i feel like throwing in the towel. I really do. I keep trying. But i keep failing. And i am frustrated. I just don't get it. How did i screw up something that was working so easily, without even knowing why ? Here i was thinking that it was going good between me and her, but now all the sudden shes flirting with another guy. Really? Curse of the first date ? How do i get from seriously attracted to me; to no attraction what-so-ever ? How did i fail here? First date was fantastic. We had a good time. Did she just decided suddenly that she like my more charismatic friend more and gave me the snuff ? I am angry. Not just so at her, but at myself. Am i really that shit ?

Da da da

I am flustered. I so want to sleep. But i can't. And it's not because i have thing to do, but it's because i just can't sleep. Last week was a eventful week. Wednesday i was Ecobar, Thursday was at SevenAtNine and Friday Salsa at Paradize. By Saturday i was inches from being dead. Especially since collectively for those few days i only had 8 hours of sleep. Maybe less. Met a lot of people during those night out. A few girl at Ecobar, the DJ from France in Ecobar which happens to be playing at SevenAtNine also. Then in SevenAtNine, highlight of the day was me hitting a Drunk Mongolian Prostitute. Which was rather hilarious and wild at the same time. But it was getting irritating after a while. My friend insisted that i get her over to our table. So i did.

I told him. "She a prostitute you know"

and he replied, "for the fuck of it.."...well he don't say fuck. He much more gentlemanly than i am.

So i did. I chatted her up and drag her over. But i couldn't understand her english. All i hear was..fuck fuck fuck something something..and more fuck. She was drunk and piss.

At first she seems maybe she could be not a prostitute, but her choice of clothes told me otherwise.

After talking to her a bit, she started disturbing my DJ friend. Which was starting to get out of hand when she disturb him at his table with his friend. My friend ran over to me and ask me..please get her away from me and my friends. So i did..drag her away. Eventually i was a bit tired of her craziness, and just sent her off to her room. Which was at Ascott. I have a feeling she suppose to meet some guy there.

Then on Friday i met an old dance friend in Paradize. She was really good at Salsa, that i almost cried. Haha since i started so much earlier than her. Sigh.

Saturday was more to chill. I couldn't take another day out. My body was just lethargic. Watch this stand-up performance by Douglas Lim and two other comedian. Overall the show was entertaining and definitely worth it. By Evening, settle for coffee bean and a good night sleep. Now that its Sunday. I am resting.

Opps got to go.

Believing on yourself

We shouldn't think too much about what people think or want. We should not need to be apologetically or afraid about doing thing that makes us happy. Nobody lives for you, why should you ? Just have fun. If someone react differently or badly to you; you don't need them around, nor their approval, nor their attention. Just center upon yourself, of who you are, who you want to be, where you want to be and what you want.

Once you understand that. The world become clearer to you. Everything that moves so quickly before, starts to slow down. And in a brief instance of a second, when you breach the water and gulp down air... you feel serenity. You feel alive. And you will not drown anymore. In that very instance of self-awareness, all the weight, all the pains, all the loneliness, all your suffering, all your belief that holds you back, fall off and sink into the deepness of the ocean.

All you need to do now. Is believe in yourself.

Reflecting the months before

Well the flaky flaky girl left me a message last Saturday. And that really screw with my head. Now i am confused. Does she like me ? If not? Why is she messaging me? Am i being unwittingly lull and herded to some slaughtering house to be maimed and butchered. Or she does like me? And in some way she messaging me to let me know? Nah... i am definitely getting butchered.

Anyway beside that, I started realize being 30 plus, single and underachieving makes you react to life in a very hyper mode. I know that already but i really have no idea how much it actually fucks my brain up. It's like everything you know, learned or experience get thrown in an instant and you embrace your animal instinct. Go forth and procreate!

I am slamming the brake on this. What happen to improving myself? Learning more about myself? Being better? Being daring. Coming out of my comfort zone. What happened in this last few month that made me so? The realization that i am all alone, and i want someone there for me. Even if she is not right for me.

Flakking is just so fun

Kinda expected it, she flaked at the last minute again. I guess you can flake once, twice, but the third time is the last. Well no lost. Just move on, it happens. For me, its a big turn off. Flaking tells you enough to not bother about a girl like that. I improvise and met another girl i was suppose to meet. She a sweet and nice girl. But i was quite a bit surprise to find out that she wealthy. I guess i still can be quite surprise. She not my type. Would i meet her again. Perhaps. As a friend. I met another girl, last Wednesday while playing pool. She quite tall, and quite sexy. We are set to meet up tomorrow. Let see if we actually do. My new motto. Don't assume. Just met every girl i get to know even if i am not that interested. Maybe i will find magic.

Finding Magic

I miss the feeling of awe. I miss the feeling of wonder. I miss the feeling of joy. I miss it all. I miss magic. Magic has vanished. Magic has vanished from this world. Vanished from my world. I can't find magic anymore. I wish i could. But no matter how many stones i flip over, how many world i shattered open, how many life i changed, how many smile i created. Those magic never comes again. Do you miss magic? Do you want magic ? Do love magic ?